Fall is my favorite season. I know that’s super original. Me, like pretty much every other Starbuck’s-loving, boot and sweater-wearing, mini-driving basic momma out there. It’s always been my favorite. The crackle of the leaves when I walked to elementary school, the smell of the bonfires in high school, the color of the campus trees in college, the making of my kids Halloween costumes as a momma. My wedding anniversary is this month. I love Octobers, but now, they’re hard sometimes.
John Karl’s birthday is in October and so off and on (more than usual) I find my head filled with memories of life with him safe in my tummy. Sometimes they’re treasures – like a kick or the time I presented my husband with the special sleeper that I hoped to bring the baby home in. Sometimes they’re painful – like looking back at the photos of the last day he would be living safe in my womb, or thinking, if I’d only gone to the hospital one day sooner (even though there was no medical reason for this).
My Facebook memories flood me with special times like this one and I smile BIG! 
Remembering {when} we still thought everything was perfection and our sweet boy would join us happily in just a few weeks. I’m filled with the joy of this moment and the longing in the next as I prepare to light a candle for the #waveoflight tonight. A time of observance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss day – today, October 15. {When} families are grieving and remembering.
This year, I hope to look at it a little different. I hope that each time I wonder {when} I’ll see my sweet boy again or why he isn’t here in my arms doing the things nearly 4-year-olds should do, I’ll live present in this {when}.
{When} will my 9-year-old tell me her next secret? I bet it’s tonight as she’s procrastinating bedtime. But rather than lose patience and send her off quickly, I’ll sit and linger while tuck her in and listen as she chats for a bit. I’ll treasure that she’s here with me now and that she wants to chat – because she’ll be a solemn teenager before I know it.
{When} will my almost 8-year-old funny girl make us giggle next? Hmmm…probably after school. She almost always has a silly story or a goofy face…or maybe at dinner while she contorts her body to show off her bendy flexibility while avoiding her vegetables. Tonight I *might* just let her skip the extra broccoli.
{When} will the 2-year-old ask for the inevitable PB&J – his new obsession? Probably breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s an easy one. I’ve already packed one in his lunch and tonight at dinner just maybe I’ll cave and let him have it again. Because we all smile when he eats it inside out and I spend the next 20 minutes wiping peanut butter from his chin, his nose…his eyelashes.
Today I won’t worry about the why and I won’t ask {when} will I know, because I won’t on this side of Heaven. But I do know all the blessings in front of me now. And I bet you have some of those too…Let’s make a list, shall we? Not {when}, now.
